Anonymous · Intimacy · PostPartum

“Sexless in Seattle” – An Anonymous Letter

BAMS,

The beautiful advantage of interactive blogging is the opportunity for readers to connect, share insight, exchange advice, and offer words of encourage. We could all use more encouragement, wouldn’t you agree?

Well, meet our first, anonymous BAM, bravely sharing her story in hopes for advice and non-judgmental feedback. As mothers, we have unjustly experienced our fair share of unwanted feedback, advice, and criticism; thankfully, there are platforms such as this where we can refute the negativity and embrace one another, flaws and all. Without further adieu, here is “Heather” and her personal dilemma. Read, think, and reply in the comment section below on how to approach Heather’s situation. She’s calling on you, BAMS!

I’ve been with my husband for several years now, and we just welcomed our first, precious, baby boy into our lives four short months ago. Friends, and even my mom, forewarned me about the inevitable relationship changes, and while I accepted our marriage would eventually undergo changes, good and bad, since the birth of our son, I didn’t realize our sex life would change so drastically. While my husband is still affectionate and exchanges “I love you” and other sweet words, our sex life is non-existent.

The first time I sensed something was wrong was about a week ago when I was laying in bed and our son was asleep in his crib. We finally had time to ourselves, yet my husband, who is normally a sexual guy, completely passed up the opportunity to sleep with me. My gut told me something wasn’t right, and I immediately began to question whether or not it was me or perhaps he was just tired. Tired, in my mind, was an excuse to ease my own worries. I knew he wasn’t tired, but I wanted, so badly, to ignore the idea he may not be attracted to me like he once was. I gained eighty pounds during my pregnancy, and although I lost about 30 of those pounds, my weight loss journey is still very much underway.

The dwindling of physical intimacy is wearing on me, and while my husband hasn’t directly said, “I’m not attracted to you right now. You’re fat”, I know my intuition is not confused with paranoia. I’ve tried initiating, and he claims he’s tired, yet he has the energy to workout, cook, and go out with his friends from time to time. I have to admit – this is doing wonders for my personal motivation toward losing weight, but the lack of intimacy is hurting my soul. I don’t want to become resentful toward him, and I also don’t want to beat a dead horse by asking him what the problem is because he claims he’s “tired” or afraid to wake the baby.

His affection feels great, but a major facet of our relationship is missing, and I can’t keep ignoring it or accepting his excuses. I’m at a loss of what to do and too embarrassed to ask a friend or family member because I don’t want them to dislike my husband or make me feel worse than I already do (some of them, although I love ‘em, give horrible advice).

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